


Pick Her

by CricketCat



Series: I Solemnly Swear... [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Bi Sirius Black, Depressed Remus Lupin, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Remus Lupin is Bad at Feelings, Remus or Marlene, Sirius is confused, Werewolf Remus Lupin, Young Remus Lupin, Young Sirius Black, and Sirius doesn't know the answer to that question, that is the question, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:15:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24859762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CricketCat/pseuds/CricketCat
Summary: Sirius is having trouble sorting out his feelings for both Marlene and Remus. When Remus accidentally lets slip his own muddled feelings, Sirius believes his problem is solved. But that's not how it plays out...
Relationships: Sirius Black/Marlene McKinnon, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: I Solemnly Swear... [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1680025
Comments: 4
Kudos: 66





	Pick Her

"Moony!" Sirius shouted, running after him down the corridor. "Remus, will just wait up! Remus!" But the other boy kept his head down, clutching his library books tightly in his arms as he walked quickly and carefully away. Sirius huffed with annoyance, finally catching up with Remus and grabbing his elbow. He forced Remus to turn around and face him, his chest rising and falling rapidly. "Will you just listen to me, for Merlin's sake? I'm trying to talk to you!"

"Fine," Remus said, his voice empty. "Talk then." Sirius ran a hand through his hair, glancing around the corridor nervously. He really didn't want to do this here but by the look on Moony's face he didn't think he had a choice.

"I just-" he sighed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have acted the way I did back there."

"No," Remus said carefully, shuffling his books slightly. "You shouldn't have."

"You know I have no tact when it comes to feelings," Sirius tried to joke but realised it probably wasn't appreciated right now, especially when Remus pursed his lips uncomfortably. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes and clasping his hands round the back of his neck. "Look, I'm sorry. I wanted you to know the truth with what's going on with me and Marlene and you. I just- I'm confused with some...well, some strong emotions. A few months ago I realised that the thing between Marlene and I...it went beyond just a shag every so often-"

"Every so often," Remus snorted. Sirius gave him a sharp look but continued.

"I've been seeing Marlene a lot as you know because I genuinely do like her. But also a few months ago I realised that I've also...well, I've got feelings for you too. And I don't mean the kind of love between best friends or a sudden interest in wanted to shag you or something. It's so much more than that. It's like the kind of love you find in one of your romance novels." Sirius let himself flick his eyes up just for a moment to gage Remus' reaction but found that Moony was completely expressionless instead. He licked his lips, deciding that if he kept talking then maybe this could get better.

"I know I should have told before but I was scared and confused and just plain stupid really. So I went to Prongs, thinking that maybe he could help. You see, I don't know what love is, really. I suppose because I've never experienced it myself or even seen it until I met Mr and Mrs Potter and how much they love each other. I didn't know love like that could exist. Even if it did, I didn't think it could ever belong to me. And then these feelings came out of nowhere and I didn't know how to deal with them. But I went to Prongs and we came up with a stupid plan to try and figure out which one of you I really love. It was working too until Marlene thought I was teasing her and you thought I was playing some kind of prank to force you out the closet - which, for the record Moony, I would never ever do to you. So now I'm telling you the truth because I really don't know what else to say to you other than that I think I love you."

Remus stared at him, his face pale and his lips pressed together tightly. His knuckles were turning white at he gripped the edges of his books. For a brief moment, Sirius could have sworn he saw pain flash in Moony's eyes. It was gone as quick as it came but it set Sirius on edge.

"Look, Sirius," Remus said softly. "I can't deny that I have feelings for you too...but you knew that already I'm sure."

"Yeah, I know," Sirius replied, looking down sheepishly.

"You've already gone through so much in your life," Remus went on. "With your family and Regulus and everything else on top of that. You deserve someone who can give you everything you've ever wanted. Someone that can make you feel more loved than ever. And I know you're confused, and I know you think you love me. So I'm going to make this easy for you." He hesitated and Sirius held his breath. "I think you should ask Marlene out." Sirius felt his heart stop and the air escape from his lungs.

"What?" he croaked. Remus sighed, biting his lip.

"You heard me," he said. "Please don't make this harder than it already is by playing dumb." Sirius blinked, suddenly feeling more confused that he ever had.

"But you-" He stammered. "But you said you liked me too? I don't understand?" Remus gave him a watery smile, reaching forwards and laying a hand on Sirius' arm.

"Sirius, I've been in love with you since fifth year," he said quietly. "I never told you because I'm not the person you're looking for. I knew that so I kept my feelings to myself and I hoped I could move on someday."

"But you could be who I'm looking for," Sirius said desperately. "You could be exactly what I need." Remus' eyes became glassy and he withdrew his hand, stepping away from Sirius so suddenly that it felt like Sirius' heart was tearing in two.

"Oh Padfoot," he whispered. "You really don't get it, do you?" Sirius shook his head. No, he certainly did not get it. He didn't understand what the hell Remus was talking about but he definitely didn't like the sound of it.

"Sirius," Remus said, his voice quiet and sad. "I'm a werewolf. That isn't going to change any time soon. I can't give you the things that you deserve to have. With me, there will never be any security. I won't be able to put food on the table because I'll never have a steady job. I won't be able to buy a house or a flat with you for us to live in together because I can't legally own property. And I can't-" He broke off, choking on his words as tears threatened to spill over his cheeks. "And I can't have children with you. Believe me, I've looked into it. The Ministry don't allow werewolves to adopt. Why would they? We're too dangerous to be around."

"Moony-" Sirius tried to cut him off but Remus wasn't listening.

"But Marlene can give you these things, Sirius. Marlene will be able to provide for you in a way I never will be able to. You can be a father to her children. You'll be able to raise them in a house you own without ever having to worry about money or safety. You won't have to constantly be looking over your shoulder for the Ministry or your family. And there will always be food on the table. You will always be safe. That is the life I want for you, Sirius. A life of love and plenty and happiness that I will never be able to give you no matter how much I want to."

"What if I don't want that life?" Sirius retorted, suddenly becoming angry. "What if I want you instead?" Remus laughed but it was empty and humorless.

"Can you honestly tell me that you don't want kids, Sirius?" he asked. Sirius opened his mouth to say no, he didn't want children but the words died in his throat. He couldn't tell Remus that because that would be lying. One day, he did want to be a dad because if he could have the chance to raise a kid, then maybe he could finally shake off the fear that he'd turn out like his father. And here Remus was, telling him that he couldn't have both. Sirius wanted to lie to him. He wanted to so badly. But no matter what, Sirius couldn't lie to Remus. "No, I thought not," Remus whispered. They stood there in silence for a moment, the tension heavy and hurtful. Eventually, Remus cleared his throat and reshuffled his books.

"You should go and tell Marlene how you feel," he said, his voice tight with pain. "She's always in the study room this time of day. If you're lucky, you might be able to catch her before dinner." He turned away from Sirius to hide the tears rolling down his cheeks, wiping them away quickly. "Just promise me you won't tell her about this? I don't really want anyone knowing. It could get you in trouble." Before Sirius could stop him, Remus had turned around and hurried down the corridor, leaving him standing alone and feeling more empty than ever.

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly believe that Remus didn't believe he was good enough for Sirius Black and so he tried to push him away with everything he had. If it meant he had to watch Sirius fall in love with Marlene, then so be it.
> 
> But we all know that Sirius wouldn't have given up that easily...


End file.
